No-Kill Finance

Let me first say that I’m resisting all urges to post an April Fool’s Day blog:  An excited report on how a Nigerian prince is going to give me part of his fortune, perhaps?  Or maybe something about the benefits of playing the lotto?  (Speaking of which, congratulations to my friend, whose scratch-off success this week could be an object of inspiration and envy to all get-rich-quick schemers.)

Anyway, I didn’t set any goals for March because I seem to have forgotten I even had a blog to record them in.  Had I, though, I would’ve passed them and then some, thanks to the month’s third paycheck.  As I discussed last night, I’ve now passed my initial $1000 goal for emergency savings, and have paid off my largest outstanding debt, which leaves:

April New Month’s Resolutions

1. Pay off sole remaining debt:  I still owe about $180 to a veterinary care credit, due in large part to the mighty Thor’s advancing age.  In addition to paying it off, I’d like to avoid acquiring any new debts as well.  I’ve spent so much energy paying off my credit card every month that I run up a weekly bill with my girlfriend, who does grocery shopping and the like while I’m at work.  I need to re-evaluate my expenses and work harder at keeping costs low so I’m not owing her more money than I have to give.  After all, my next 3-paycheck month won’t be ’til September…
2. Continue to save 25% of income after Resolution #1 is accomplished:  now that I’ve hit $1000 in my emergency fund, to which I’d been contributing 25%, I plan on diversifying my savings…10% to emergency savings, 10% to the retirement fund I hope to put toward a new IRA by the end of the year, and bits and pieces here and there into various other savings sub-accounts intended for vacation, a car (a theoretical car, to be purchased in the distant future…I love my public transit), and maybe some sort of absurd present to myself, like a new TV (yeah, right).
3. Continue to focus more on school than on blogging:  yes, it’s sad to embrace it so openly, but my spotty upkeep here at No-Kill Finance over the last month has been the product of my increased focus on schoolwork, which, no offense to my readers, is a lot more important in the long run.  I’ll try to set more realistic goals for myself (see Resolution #4) so I tune in more often, but I was getting a bit too obsessed with drafting new posts, reading peer blogs, and combing through Google Analytics data…a pointless pursuit when you only have 30 or 40 hits a day.  Simply by ignoring my blog, I have hugely increased my capacity to understand the big, confusing words my chemistry professor is rambling through during each lecture.
4. Blog twice a week:  most important in succeeding at this goal will be my acceptance of the fact that blogs don’t NEED to be 1000 words long.  In studying fiction writing, I was trained to write, re-write, re-write again, then walk away for a few hours and re-write again.  This method does not work well for someone with a limited amount of time to spend on writing.  Decreasing my weekly quota, and maybe lowering my standards a bit in terms of…not quality, just fine-tuning…I think I’ll be able to keep up.
5. Work out at least twice a week:  nothing to do with finance, I know, but I’ve gained about 15 pounds since starting this blog, and I feel like being healthier will motivate me in every other aspect of my life (more alert, more energetic, more willing to blog and maybe do a few crunches instead of eating chocolate and watching television).

So, I’ve had mixed success with my resolutions in the past months (March being a noted exception:  I succeeded at living up to all zero of my resolutions that month!), but I have a good feeling about April.  This morning, the sun is out, I’m well-caffeinated, and I officially only have one month of school left until summer vacation.  Spring is great!

Wanted to check in quickly before bedtime and describe the beauty of a 3-paycheck month.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with this phenomenon, but:  following a bi-weekly pay schedule, 2 months a year there are  3 paydays within a single month.  March is one of 2010’s 3-paycheck months for my pay schedule.

Admittedly, I haven’t investigated the long-term mathematical consequences of spending this money hastily, but nonetheless, I accomplished a lot this evening:

• I posted the final $159.40 into my emergency fund to reach the $1000 mark.
• I paid April’s rent and still have over $500 in my “rent” account (separate from my other various savings sub-accounts).
• I repaid the rather sizable (as in, say, half a grand) debt I owed my darling girlfriend.
• I managed, after all of this, to retain plenty of money to comfortably get me through to my next pay period.

All in all, a great success, and worth bragging about in my opinion…if I’m to brag, I wanted to remember to do it now.  (Ideally, I’ll be writing again tomorrow to celebrate “Happy New Month!”, but given my recent track record for blogging, I may forget totally.)

So, please forgive me for patting myself on the back so publicly, and try to have as good a night as I’ve had…I’m off to bed.

Returning visitors may recall that, in opposition to the unrealistic idea of holding myself to a New Years Resolution, I instead made several New Months Resolutions toward the beginning of January.  The time has come for a quick review:

Out With the Old

1.  Save 20% of my income to an ING Direct emergency fund. I’m happy to report that I overshot this one…by a very long shot, actually.  If you include all of the belated Christmas money I received (thank you, loved ones), I saved just over 53% of the money that came into my life!  And even if you don’t count the unexpected income from gifts, I still managed 30%.  I’ve been annoyed with how slowly my savings are growing, but I see in writing this blog that I’m performing so much better than I had budgeted myself to perform.

2.  Post at least 50% of my “crap” to Ebay or Amazon Marketplace. I found in starting this process that eBay and I do not get along.  And while Amazon Marketplace is lovely for buyers (it’s the source of hundreds of the books I’m now itching to get rid of), it doesn’t offer the best deal for sellers.  So, I found an alternative:  I wrote a facebook note with a list of all the DVDs and CDs I’m selling (at least 50% of my “crap”) and tagged all of my [geographically] closest friends.  So far I’ve sold about $130 worth of music and movies, and the requests are still coming in!

3.  Add at least 3 entries to this blog each week. For the first 60% of my blogging career thus far (that is, for two of the last three weeks), I was doing too good a job at this; I was obsessing over writing.  While this isn’t typically a bad thing for a creative writing graduate who has relapsed into writer’s block for the last five years, it is a bad thing for a returning student who should be devoting at least some of his brain power to chemistry.  So, after writing 4 or 5 a week for two (and a half?) weeks, I took a week off for studying.  More on that in #4.  But, strict numbers show that I made 11 entries in 3 weeks and 3 days, for a total of…3.08 entries a week.  Success again!

4.  Set aside seven hours a week (average one a day) for studying and homework. At my best, I have devoted five hours a week to studying.  This week.  But that’s following almost three weeks of not opening a single damned page of my chemistry book.  Even as I write, I realize I should be studying instead.  But I can’t abandon this, my primary source of self-accountability, totally.  I found that, in taking a week off of blogging in order to focus on my school work, I was far less capable of resisting the urge to be unproductive than I am when I’m writing here…perhaps I should just give up on school and do this full time.  (Just kidding; stay in school, kids.)

5.  Keep up with my chore list. This has been both a moderate failure and a moderate success.  In issuing myself a “procrastination challenge” last week, (though I failed colossally at focusing more on my school work) I was able to not spend so much time playing various computer games and reading random items of interest online, and therefore a lot of my important and occasionally neglected chores (animal care, general cleanliness, remembering to eat three meals a day) have become part of my daily routine.  But, in becoming part of the daily routine, I have forgotten to check them off of my chore list, thus I have forgotten to look at my chore list, thus some of the less crucial – but still important – chores (e.g. “Brush cat hair off of furniture”) have been overlooked for a whole month now.  I’ll have to modify that in this glorious New Month:

In With the New

1.  Save 25% of my income to an ING Direct emergency fund. In spite of the fact that I surpassed 50% last month, that may be a bit high to set as a given expectation.  But 20% isn’t cutting it!  I’m working full time during school, which I wasn’t planning on doing when I set down the 20% goal.  The result of this is that I’m making a lot more money than I planned on, and I have a lot less free time in which to spend it!  25% should be easy to meet and surpass (perhaps I can hit the $1000 mark in the emergency fund!), but by refraining from putting down a 45% goal, I’m not setting myself up for inherent disappointment.  After all, Christmas checks only come once a year…

2.  Add at least 3 entries to this blog EVERY week. Next month I won’t skew the numbers by taking an average…I’m new to blogging (perhaps you could tell that by my 2000-word entries), but I understand it well enough to know that taking a week off can hurt, in terms of readership.  Things have been going well here at No-Kill Finance (better than I expected they would after only 4 weeks!), and I should keep up the momentum.  Even if that means having to work harder to keep up with my next goal…

3.  Set aside seven hours a week (average one a day) for studying and homework. Yes, I still want (and need) to make this work.  This is a personal finance blog, and what’s more important to my financial future than my ability to pursue the career I want?  I need to get an A in this class, and frankly, I didn’t find it too difficult to be first in the class last semester.  So, now that I’m working 7 extra hours a week and trying to maintain a blog in my free time, I’m struggling.  But that doesn’t mean I need to drop one of those distractions so it can be easy.  It shouldn’t be easy.  It should be a challenge, and I should rise to accept it.

4.  Settle school finances before it’s too late! All this talk about school reminds me of a key point:  I haven’t paid for it yet!  I need to look into private loans (since, as a “non-degree-seeking graduate student,” I don’t qualify for federal loans) and sign up ASAP, because I’m sure the university doesn’t take kindly to delinquent payments.

5.  Find some time (somewhere) to see friends. One of the sadder aspects of being so busy is that I, a somewhat aloof fellow to begin with, haven’t seen some of my closest friends for months (over a year in one case).  This is absurd.  Some of these people live less than a mile from my apartment.  For all the rough patches that my friends have seen me through, no excuse (particularly not, “I hardly have any free time, and I’d like to devote what free time I do have to online gaming”) is good enough to neglect them for so long.  So, to any friends reading this, feel free to call me up and get on my ass about scheduling a rendez-vous some time in February.  (Mention this article and get a free beer at a neighborhood bar!  Why am I cutting prices like this?  Because I’m craaaazy!)

6.  Keep up with chore list. For real this time. All day, every day.  Starting now.  Bye!

I got my yearly review at work today.

It was…not stellar.

At the same time, though, it was one of the best reviews I’ve gotten in my working life.  And one of the main reasons is that I agreed with the constructive criticism given to me rather than taking it as harsh judgment and becoming defensive.

The main complaints:

• My attendance is not that great, because there have been several occasions of my not looking closely at the posted schedule.  Yes:  I’m a disorganized kind of guy.  This is something I’m working very, very hard to improve.  Hopefully by this time next year, nothing along these lines will have happened since today.
• My attitude has not been as positive in regards to work.  This seems (in my supervisors’ opinions) to have gotten worse since I started school.  That makes good sense to me; my stress level has gone through the roof in the last seven months, and I’ve stopped being able to enjoy work as much.  If you’ll recall, this was one of the reasons I started this blog:  in the hopes that writing about motivation and determination as they related to work and wages would help me feel positive about the other aspects (i.e. ethical, emotional) of my job that I enjoy.
• My initiative is good, but I have trouble with follow-through because I’m easily side-tracked.  My mind is all over the place.  Again, they observe that this has gotten worse since school started, and I’m not surprised by that.  I’ve always been somewhat easily distractable, and…(ooh, what’s that shiny thing on the other side of the room?)
• …
• …
• Sorry, I’m back.  Anyway, moving on:  I was faulted on “good judgement” for similar reasons; specifically, my time management needs work.  This is another aspect of myself that seems to be improving as my interest in all matters grown-up increases:  along with my budgeting and saving, my time management has improved tremendously in the last month.  So, yes, it’s an issue, but I’ve already started working on it.

And then it was mostly very flattering compliments to finish off the review…making the criticisms much easier to handle.  Or at least easier to absorb.

The interesting thing that occurred to me (halfway through the review, when I wandered off mentally to think about writing this blog entry…just kidding) is that this review of my employment is a very accurate review of my life, too.  All of the above points are issues in my personal, social, and financial lives, as well as in my work life.  Disorganization, distractability, and poor foresight?  These are the reasons I ever developed financial problems to begin with.

So, I did something as in keeping with my newfound enthusiasm for accountability as I could think of:  I asked for periodic reminders from my supervisors if I was failing to improve any of the criticisms.  If I start slipping into pessimism or (god forbid) ditziness, I want to be reminded that I promised I’d work on fixing these issues.

If I’m going to devote so much writing time to asserting accountability upon myself, why not extend that into my work life, too?

Over the weekend, Katie and I went to a monthly game night with half a dozen friends.  This was our third month of actually doing it monthly (after several months of faltering), a trend I hope continues.  In attending – and, last month, hosting – game nights, I’ve learned a few lessons about frugality.

1.  Accept Ridicule With A Smile

When I told a friend at work about our evening’s plans on Saturday, he poked some fun at me.  He said, “You hipsters and your trendy get-togethers.  What’ll it be next month, Bingo?  What ever happened to going out and getting drunk?”  Granted, he was being friendly in his teasing, but it was worth a response.

I told him, “No bars; I’m trying to spend less than I earn for a change.”

“Well,” he said, “you’re working at the wrong job for that.”  A fine point…in fact, the whole point of this blog.  See my first post for the talking points of the rebuttal I could have offered.  Instead, though, I smiled along with him.

“Tell me about it.  But I may as well try, right?”

While his teasing was of a friendly nature, not all the teasing I’ve encountered has been.  People get uncomfortable and annoyed when you tell them you can’t join them for social events due to lack of money.  If a friend who makes $60,000 a year (or, worse, lives off of a high-limit credit card) wants to go out for an expensive meal or to a $30 concert, it’s very difficult to tell them no without some emotional repercussion, be it guilt, shame, or frustration on your part, and sometimes irritation on the part of the friend.

It’s important, though, not to let the emotional impact of having to say “no” weigh you down.  One single lapse in steadfastness born of guilt and peer pressure could end up costing you a $20 trip to a bar or a $30 meal.  When you’ve budgeted (as I have) $30 per paycheck for dining out, that’s nothing to take lightly.

So, learn to say “no” now, so that some day you’ll have enough money that you won’t have to say it any more.  And if you take any flak for it, fight back with a smile and acceptance.  ”Yes,” you should say, “I know I seem cheap.  But it’s better than being broke.”

2.  Accountability, While Sometimes Painful, Pays Off

The weekend prior to game night, we were invited over to a friend’s house for dinner.  I was excited for the get-together, but was dismayed to learn that we weren’t exactly being hosted for dinner, we were supposed to pick up carry-out from the [somewhat overpriced, though very good] Thai restaurant in our building and bring it over.

Now, one of my biggest complaints about our new apartment is that there’s a Thai restaurant directly below us, and our back porch constantly smells like great food that I can’t afford.  Thai is my very favorite cuisine, and I desperately wanted to give in, drop $12 on a meal, and ignore by budget for just one delicious night.  But I objected.  I asked if we couldn’t instead maybe just eat in and join them later for drinks…an idea that was not well-received by Katie.

Of course I don’t have anything bad to say about her…especially not here where she might read it (heehee), but although Katie is the inspiration for my newfound concern with money, she’s still having as much trouble adjusting as I am.  She dated the “careless me” for a whole year, and became accustomed to $12 Thai meals (which she could actually afford, where I’d always put my half on my credit card).  She understood my dilemma, but she’s just not used to not being able to do the things she wants to do.  We ended up eating at home in heavy silence and taking a cheap bottle of wine over later in the night…a nice evening, but tinged with the tension of the “discussion” we’d had earlier.

Cut to Saturday afternoon a week later, and the entire episode is long-forgotten on account of the fact that I’m giddy with excitement for the night of socializing ahead.  It served as a good reminder for both of us that, though I may be forced to deprive myself (and, unfortunately, deprive her by proxy) from time to time, it doesn’t hinder our ability to have a good time…it just hinders our ability to have an expensive good time.

3.  Fun Can Be Inexpensive Without Being Cheap

There’s really nothing more finance-friendly than a game night.  You tackle three cornerstones of good personal finance in one fell swoop:

• Frugality – at $4 each for 6 hours of entertainment, what else could you call it?
• Friendship – spending time with others who appreciate cheap fun as much as you do is excellent reinforcement for your frugal efforts.
• Fun – and what makes for better reward for your efforts than a night of socializing, giggling, and playing games?

Admittedly, when we hosted, Katie and I spent a fair amount of money (maybe $30, after the frozen pizzas, beer, chips and dip).  But we are one of six “households” that attends, so we only have to host every sixth month.  Average our $30 month with the $8-$10 we spend every other time (this weekend we provided a bottle of cheap Trader Joe’s wine, cookies, and ice cream bars…each under $3), and that’s less than $14 – $7 for each of us – per game night.  And, even if no one in our social circle owned any board games (which practically makes me laugh out loud on account of how very many each of us owns), they’re pretty cheap considering the return on investment you get out of years of use.  (This month, we played Quelf, an incredibly fun if slightly frustrating game…more fun and less frustrating with each glass of wine consumed.)  Not to mention the used Monopolys and Scrabbles and Pictionarys one so often sees at thrift and antique stores.

So that’s “frugality.”  In terms of “fun” and “friendship”, it all comes down to operant conditioning.  Unlike the first two lessons in gritting your teeth, accepting the difficult challenges, and sticking to your miserly budget, this third lesson is a direct reward for your efforts.  The principles of operant conditioning tell us that, the more our good behavior is rewarded, the more likely we are to instinctively behave that way in the future.  I know I’m already excited for next month’s game night.  Perhaps this time, the ridicule and tensions that may precede it will be a bit easier to bear, now that I have the positive reward in sight.

Inspired by a fellow blogger’s admirable sense of self-accountability, I thought I, too, could stand to do a mid-month check-up on those New Month’s Resolutions I made.  (Granted, I made them a bit late…just a little over a week ago, but it’s the middle of the month already; I need to make sure I’m getting things done!)

1.  Save 20% of my income to an ING Direct emergency fund. Success!  And then some.  Probably more like 25% thus far in the month.  I’m afraid my overzealous saving has put me into a bit of debt, though.  It’s the “interest-free” kind of debt, but that makes it all the worse, as it’s money borrowed from a loved one.  So perhaps after the next New Month’s Day (read:  February 1st), I’ll make debt repayment a bit more of a priority than emergency savings (as I’ve already almost scraped together enough to cover a month’s expenses!).

2.  Post at least 50% of my “crap” to Ebay or Amazon Marketplace. Haven’t even begun this one yet.  Perhaps I’ll get a bit of that done today…check out my ebay seller’s page if you care to check on my progress (or buy my crap…please, buy my crap).

3.  Add at least 3 entries to this blog each week. So far, I’ve pulled this off, though it’s hardly an impressive feat after only two weeks of blogging.  The real resolution is to keep this up week after week, month after month, year after year.  Check back in 2012 to see how I’m doing with it…

4.  Set aside seven hours a week (average one a day) for studying and homework. Well, I should’ve known myself better than to think I’d follow through on this.  I did maybe 3 hours last week, and I skipped a class.  Ugh.  Okay, I RE-resolve to set aside seven hours a week.  And I’ll actually make an effort this time.

5.  Keep up with my chore list. Not fully applicable, since our apartment has been buried underneath half-unpacked boxes since the move.  But I did finally print the new chore list out last night…and I’ve kept up with it ever since.

In other news, both Katie and I are coming down with colds, mine more severe than hers (as usual).  I’ll try not to let that become an excuse for not keeping up with my already-faltering goals.  For now, though:  vitamin C overload!

I’ve been reading a lot about goal-setting in order to make it a priority in my own life.  Certainly, one of this blog’s chief purposes is to serve as a tool for self-accountability.  And how convenient that I should start said blog during the time of year when the practice of goal-setting runs at its most rampant.

I’ve never been much of a New Year’s Resolution guy, though.  Like 90% of the world, I tend to give up on my resolutions after about a month.  But admitting that about myself got me thinking about a regular blog feature I’d like to start in the spirit of the well-intentioned but poorly-executed New Year’s Resolution:  a more practical, if less monumental, New Month’s Resolution.

I’ll start off small, as the largesse of past resolutions has been their ultimate downfall.  For January, 2010, I resolve to:

1.  Save 20% of my income to an ING Direct emergency fund. This will be an ongoing goal for the first several months of 2010.  I’ve lived without an emergency fund for three years since graduating college, and thank god no serious emergencies have presented themselves…not that there weren’t plenty of minor emergencies inconveniences charged to my credit card along the way.  It’s high time I get that started.  I hope to build at least $1000 up before moving on to other financial goals.  (Yes, I recently read Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover.  I’d post a review, but I’m sure every blogger ever to even mention money in their writing has already done so.)

2.  Post at least 50% of my “crap” to Ebay or Amazon Marketplace. I’m very proud of the massive purge of books, CDs, and DVDs I undertook before moving in with Katie this month, but the “purged” items are still sitting in boxes, waiting to be sold or donated to someone.  There’s enough there for me to potentially make hundreds of dollars, if I’m willing to put in the time and effort.  I need to be sure I stay willing.

3.  Add at least 3 entries to this blog each week. I’ll try not to mention blogging too much within these blog entries (how meta), but this one needs to be stated explicity, particularly when I’m just starting out.  I don’t want to lose focus on this newfound excitement for writing, and I could see that happening, given the fact that I’m starting school this week.  Which brings me to:

4.  Set aside seven hours a week (average one a day) for studying and homework. No, this doesn’t sound like much, but I’m only taking one class this semester due to scheduling complications, so 7 hours a week should get me a guaranteed ‘A,’ which I’ll need when it comes time to apply to vet schools.

5.  Keep up with my chore list. Maybe I’ll go into detail about this list at some point, but basically, I have a checklist of daily and weekly chores that I occasionally stop following with the fervor I should.  I want to stay on top of these tasks, given that I’m now a live-in boyfriend who must try to keep up the appearance that he’s a responsible adult (in spite of the fact that I secretly know that’s a lie).  I know, goals are supposed to be specific, but I can’t quite figure out how to get more detailed about this without getting exceedingly detailed.  And no one wants to read in detail about all the gross cleaning I have to do around the house.

Hopefully, if I remember, I’ll check in at the beginning of February to evaluate my success in meeting these resolutions, to set new ones, and to wish you all a Happy New Month again.  In the mean time, enjoy your January, and come back soon.

I recently moved in with my girlfriend.  I’ll set a personal tone here by actually telling you her name, so I don’t have to bother with anonymity:  Katie and I (I’m Justin, by the way…nice to meet you, too) have been dating for about a year now.  She’s a vet assistant, too, but at a private practice animal hospital.  Translation:  she makes an actual vet assistant wage, whereas I earn roughly half as much.  She and I, if I may say so, are a pretty great couple, but the gap between our separate financial situations has always made each of us a bit uneasy, whether openly or not.

The question I privately posed to myself in the month leading up to the move (it was a quick decision…very short notice before we combined residences) was, of course, “How is this going to work out, financially?”  Now, Katie is the chief reason for my financial renaissance, if you could call it that.  She’s very careful (yes, conservative) with her money, and mostly kept her mouth shut about my less restrained financial behavior in the first nine months or so of our relationship.  But when I put my first $25 “investment” into Kiva.org, a charitable microlending site, she finally spoke up.

No, she’s not a heartless bitch (can I say bitch here? Is that acceptable?); she understands the value in giving to charity.  But – she was quick to remind me – didn’t I have a few thousand dollars in credit card debt?  I insisted that it was important for me to stay in touch with my caring, charitable side, and not to be bogged down by the stress of my near-poverty status.  Money, I told myself, is only the concern of the cold and joyless.

In my last serious relationship, I dated a girl who also works for my non-profit employer (that is a very long and complicated story that will not be explored at this time), so I had had my financial outlook somewhat shaped by her combination of low income and carefree attitude.  One particularly appealing idea she had turned me onto was a tradition in her family:  “Sometimes you’ve got to celebrate being poor.”  This is what she would say when she put her credit card on the table to pay for a $20 meal at a restaurant when she knew there was no money left from her paycheck to pay for it.  This became a regular occurrence.  And I thought:  “Yes.  This is the right attitude to have.  Happiness is more important than money.”

But the two are anything but mutually exclusive, which is something Katie has taught me, whether intentionally or not.  She and I have practically founded our relationship on a mutual love of “old people pastimes”–cribbage on her back porch, watching The Golden Girls and drinking tea in her living room, game nights with friends, houseplant care and gardening.  (Man, that’s a lame list.  We may as well just live in a retirement home.)  I’ve had more free fun with her than I’ve ever had expensive fun with anyone I’ve ever dated.

So when she called me out for essentially giving money I didn’t have to a total stranger in Kenya, I was forced to admit that she had a point.  That compelled me to listen to a podcast or two (I’m a podcast junky) that dealt with the lack of financial literacy in America, and ever since then, improving my own financial literacy has become one of my top priorities.  But, even as I’m entering the third month of my – what did I call it before?  ah, yes – “financial renaissance,” the idea of financial accountability to a live-in girlfriend intimidates me.

Now, let me clarify that in spite of my low income, I’ve never failed to pay a single rent check, utility bill, or credit payment on time.  This is not the accountability I’m referring to.  I’m referring to the fact that, if I feel lazy and buy a frozen dinner instead of cooking for myself, I have to either smuggle it into the apartment and eat it still-frozen in some corner where she can’t see me, or I have to confess to her that I’m wasting money out of shear laziness.

I should clarify that I know that THIS IS A GOOD THING.  That’s the value of accountability, to keep me from behaving poorly.  But I can’t buy into the idea that never getting to indulge the hedonist in me is a good thing.  Every man, responsible or not, healthy or not, sensible or not, should be allowed at least one item of gross, overpriced, artificial, processed food per month.

But, with my new accountability partner, even if we reached such an arrangement (yes, what relationship could ever make it without the “Occasional Hot Pocket Allowance Clause”?), I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my indulgence without feeling dumb about it.  Food wouldn’t be the only thing:  what about CDs?  Books?  Video games?  Any impulse buy I could imagine making would be essentially ruined by my own sense of guilt.

…and every time I end a paragraph with a sentence like that, I come closer to realizing that no, there’s really no down side to this situation.  Accountability is a good thing.  It’s just a good thing that deprives me of being an irresponsible ass (not to mention, one with poor taste…I really do love Hot Pockets).  And that intimidates me, because I have a rich history of irresponsible, assy behavior.  But this whole thing, this whole renaissance, is all about leaving that behind.  So I guess I’ll just squeeze my eyes shut and brace myself for the arrival of a new, responsible me, no relapses allowed, lest I be judged – or, God forbid, maybe even made fun of – by the lovely girl who jump-started my transformation to begin with.